Yesterday I spent the day wandering around the town where I spent my first year of college way back in 2007. It is always an emotional visit for me when I go back there. There are things that happened during my first year (and only year) there, things that have had a horrible affect on me. That year was definitely a trying year for me and I always start to cry when I go back there, thinking about the good times and the bad times that I had there.
I wasn't ready to go away to college back then, but I didn't realize it at that time. I struggled throughout my first semester and ended up having to live with my uncle who lived a block away from campus. If my own personal problems weren't enough a horrible thing happened on campus during my second semester. There was a shooting on campus and five people where killed.
I still think about what happened on that day. Luckily I didn't know anyone injured or killed but my heart still went out to those that were. At the time I had no idea how affected I was by that day. I pushed the things that I saw and the feelings I felt down and didn't let them out. I thought I was fine to go back to classes when they resumed but I ended up having a panic attack in the back of my English class. I ended up dropping out of school a couple of days later.
I do have some great memories of my time there and sometimes I find myself crying the hardest when I think about those memories. Not only do I think about my experience on campus, I also think about my time living with my uncle. Last November my uncle passed away. So now whenever I am by the campus I also think of the times I spent with my uncle.
I always think that I am going to be okay when we decide to go by the campus (my mom always wants to get cupcakes from this bakery over there so that is how we end up over there) but when I get there I just start to break down. I always wonder what my life could have been like now if I had just finished out that year. That is one period in my life that most of my regrets come from.